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Andropov "Most Likely to Drop Off" list

Delia Smith Set of Kitchen Knives

Dewhirst Turkey

Even if it's true I can't believe it ....

Even if it isn't true, I could believe it ...

Jesus Crucifixion Kit

Joanne Whalley "Top Thinking Man's Crumpet"

John Lennon Gun Shy Revolver album

Karen Carpenter's Slimmer of the Year

Linda Lovelace "Going down, going down, going down" CD of Football Chants

Musical stiffs

Mike Tyson "Sensitive Nineties Man" Boxing Glove

Richard Branson "X for no publicity"

Spiderman "I'm back and this time I's stronger than ever" speech bubble

Stanley Baxter "Haven't you gone yet?"Casket

Stiffs of the Year

Terry Wogan Camera Shy

This Year's Next Year's "Last Year's Thing"

Uri Geller Bender of the Year

"You Lucky Lucky Bastard" Life of Brian soundtrack

Zeppo Mark Superfluous Presence

Fiendish Words - editorial content


And so to the awards

We were going to offer the decade, century and millennium collection but we bogged down straight away on that increasingly anachronistic bug bear the top thinking man's crumpet of the century. I suggested Elizabeth Taylor in her Cat on a Hot Tin Roof/Cleopatra era, my co-editor offered Elizabeth Taylor in her National Velvet era. I'm beginning to get a bit worried about him. (*JH — This is a lie for comic effect. Hardly seems worth it in retrospect.)



Some new categories for 1999

"You lucky lucky bastard" award

Kevin Keegan England qualifying for Euro 2000
Tony Blair for having William Hague as leader of the Opposition

John Lennon Gun Shy

Jill Dando

Delia Smith set of Kitchen Knives

George Harrison

This Year's Next Year's "Last Year's Thing" -

Internet company flotations

Stiffs you might have missed from the world of music

Curtis Mayfield, Screaming Lord Sutch, Darrell Sweet (Nazareth), Dusty Springfield, Gwen Guthrie (Ain't Nothin' Going On But The Rent), Johnny Moore (Drifters), Dennis Brown (Money In My Pocket), Lionel Bart (wrote Oliver), Anthony Newley (starred as the Artful Dodger), Shel Silverstein (poet & lyricist for Dr. Hook, Johnny Cash - 'Boy Named Sue', cartoonist for Playboy)

and other stiffs

Joe Di Maggio, Yehudi Menuhin, Oliver Reed, DeForest Kelly, Mario Puzo, John F. Kennedy Jr., Victor Mature, George C. Scott, Akio Morita (Sony), Wilt Chamberlain, Payne Stewart, Walter Payton, Quentin Crisp, Madeline Kahn, Joseph Heller (Catch 22), Desmond Llewellyn ("Q"), Clayton Moore (Lone Ranger)


... and some old categories carried over

Stanley Baxter "Haven't you gone yet?" casket

1998 The Queen Mother
1999 Gregory Peck

Mike Tyson "Sensitive Nineties Man" Boxing Glove

1998 Stan Collymore
1999 Gazza

Dewhurst Turkey

1996 Atlanta Games
1997/8/9 Millennium Dome*

*This to win the award on a rollover basis until at least the year 2003

Uri Geller Bender Of The Year

1983 Peter Tatchell
1988 Russell Harty
1992 Justin Fashanu
1993 Michael Portillo
1994 Richard Gere
1995 Michael Barrymore
1996 Dale Winton

1997 Peter Mandelson (we were well ahead of Mathew Parris on this one!)
1998 The "iron" Chancellor
1999 Quentin Crisp

("Iron" being cockney rhyming slang for a poof)

Karen Carpenter Slimmer Of The Year

1983 Lena Zavaroni
1988 Hirohito
1992 British Aerospace
1993 Princess Di
1994 British Coal
1995 British Gas Staff Pay Packets
1996 British Beef Industry

1997 Conservative Party
1998 England's chances of getting to Euro 2000
1999 Posh Spice

Richard Branson's "X" For No Publicity

1988 Linford Christie
1992 Fergie
1993 Princess Diana
1994 Prince Charles
1995 Richard Branson
1996 Fergie again

1997 Princess Di
1998 Richard Branson
1999 Ginger Spice

Zeppo Marx Superfluous Presence Award

1988 Ian Rush
1992 Ross Perot
1993 Margaret Beckett
1994 Margaret Beckett
1995 John Lennon
1996 Ross Perot

1997 Princess Di's bodyguard
1998 William Hague
1999 Harry Enfield

Joanne Whalley The lovely Joanne Whalley
Top (thinking man's) Crumpet

1986 Joanne Whalley
1988 Barbara Flynn
1992 Sharon Stone
1993 Louise Lombard (House of Elliott) (Kevin's choice) Marge Simpson (John's choice)
1994 Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Troy ST:tNG) Elizabeth Hurley
1995 Gillian Anderson (Kevin's choice) Sara Gilbert (John's choice)
1996 Jennifer Aniston (Kevin) Cameron Diaz (John)

1997 Alicia Silverstone
1998 Sara Cox & Helen Baxendale (Kevin), Louise Redknapp (John)

1999 Shania Twain

(Yes, I know you'd like us to put pictures of these on the web page but then the page would take ages to load. With the exception of Barbara Flynn (Beiderbeck Tapes, A Very Peculiar Practice), Louise Lombard and maybe Sara Gilbert (Darlene in Roseanne) they are out there on the web; find 'em yourself)

Linda Lovelace "Going down, going down, going down" CD of Football Chants

1998 Charlton Athletic, Southampton, Nottingham Forest (two out of three)
1999 Sheffield Wednesday, Bradford City, Watford

Terry Wogan Camera Shy

1992 Tony Slattery
1993 Angus Deayton
1994 Steve Coogan
1995 Anthea Turner
1996 Ulrika Johnson

1997 Carol Vorderman
1998 Carol Vorderman

1999 Gail Porter

The "Here Today, Not Gone Tomorrow" Award to

General Pinochet

The Spiderman "I'm back and this time I'm stronger than ever" award to

1998 Saddam Hussein
1999 Michael Portillo

Jesus Christ Crucifixion Kit

1998 Ron Davies
1999 Jeffrey Archer

Sunk Without Trace

1988 John Smith's leadership ambitions (heart attack)
1993 Michael Heseltine's leadership ambitions (heart attack)
1994 John Smith's Premiership ambitions (heart attack)
1995 Margaret Beckett
1996 The Ford Probe (again) Rob Newman

1997 Scottish Tory Party, Norman Lamont, various Tory leadership ambitions
1998 Jubilee Line
1999 Rover 75

The "Even if it isn't true I could believe it" award

1993 Michael Portillo (allegedly gay)
Michael Jackson (alleged child abuse)
1994 Dame Shirley Porter (allegedly [?] buying votes with houses)
1995 Mrs Thatcher's gone totally ga-ga (and had a stroke)
1996 BSE cover up by MAFF

1997 Princess Di was "taken out"
1998 Peter Mandelson allegedly gay*
William Hague is allegedly gay (I assume all Conservatives are gay unless there is clear evidence to the contrary)

* (See 1997's Bender of the Year award)

The "Even if it is true I can't believe it" award

1993 The end of the recession
1994 Michael Jackson's marriage
1995 Mike Atherton batting ten hours to save a test.
1996 Eurotunnel is safe and Michael Jackson getting his wife pregnant

1997 The Millennium Dome will make money
1998 George Graham manager of Spurs
1999 Kevin Keegan thinks England can win Euro 2000

The Andropov most likely to drop off list for 2000

Queen Mother, Ronald Reagan, Eric Sykes, Bob Hope, Ian Paisley (if we all pray hard enough), Denis Thatcher, Sir John Geilgud, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, Gerald Ford (ex US President), Boris Yeltsin, Spike Milligan, The Pope, Barbara Cartland, Donald Bradman, Alex Higgins, David Tomlinson, Les Paul, Olivia de Havilland, Tommy Docherty, Dudley Moore


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