TTYF! SICK(ISH) REVIEW OF THE YEAR 1999
And
so to the awards
We were going to offer the decade,
century and millennium collection but we bogged down
straight away on that increasingly anachronistic bug bear
the top thinking man's crumpet of the century. I
suggested Elizabeth Taylor in her Cat on a Hot Tin
Roof/Cleopatra era, my co-editor offered Elizabeth Taylor
in her National Velvet era. I'm beginning to get a bit
worried about him. (*JH — This is a lie for comic
effect. Hardly seems worth it in retrospect.)
TTYF! AWARDS - 1999
Some
n ew categories for
1999
"You lucky lucky
bastard" award
Kevin Keegan England qualifying
for Euro 2000
Tony Blair for having William Hague
as leader of the Opposition
John Lennon Gun Shy
Jill Dando
Delia Smith
set of Kitchen Knives
George Harrison
This Year's
Next Year's "Last Year's Thing" -
Internet company flotations
Stiffs you might have
missed from the world of music
Curtis Mayfield, Screaming Lord
Sutch, Darrell Sweet (Nazareth), Dusty Springfield, Gwen
Guthrie (Ain't Nothin' Going On But The Rent), Johnny
Moore (Drifters), Dennis Brown (Money In My Pocket),
Lionel Bart (wrote Oliver), Anthony Newley (starred as
the Artful Dodger), Shel Silverstein (poet & lyricist
for Dr. Hook, Johnny Cash - 'Boy Named Sue', cartoonist
for Playboy)
and other stiffs
Joe Di Maggio, Yehudi Menuhin,
Oliver Reed, DeForest Kelly, Mario Puzo, John F. Kennedy
Jr., Victor Mature, George C. Scott, Akio Morita (Sony),
Wilt Chamberlain, Payne Stewart, Walter Payton, Quentin
Crisp, Madeline Kahn, Joseph Heller (Catch 22), Desmond
Llewellyn ("Q"), Clayton Moore (Lone Ranger)
... and some old
categories carried over
Stanley Baxter "Haven't
you gone yet?" casket
1998
The Queen Mother
1999 Gregory Peck
Mike Tyson "Sensitive Nineties
Man" Boxing Glove
1998
Stan Collymore
1999 Gazza
Dewhurst Turkey
1996 Atlanta Games
1997/8/9 Millennium Dome*
*This to win the award
on a rollover basis until at least the year 2003
Uri Geller
Bender Of The Year
1983 Peter Tatchell
1988 Russell Harty
1992 Justin Fashanu
1993 Michael Portillo
1994 Richard Gere
1995 Michael Barrymore
1996 Dale Winton
1997 Peter
Mandelson (we were well ahead of Mathew Parris on this
one!)
1998 The "iron" Chancellor
1999 Quentin Crisp
("Iron" being
cockney rhyming slang for a poof)
Karen Carpenter
Slimmer Of The Year
1983 Lena Zavaroni
1988 Hirohito
1992 British Aerospace
1993 Princess Di
1994 British Coal
1995 British Gas Staff Pay Packets
1996 British Beef Industry
1997 Conservative
Party
1998 England's chances of getting to Euro 2000
1999 Posh Spice
Richard
Branson's "X" For No Publicity
1988 Linford Christie
1992 Fergie
1993 Princess Diana
1994 Prince Charles
1995 Richard Branson
1996 Fergie again
1997 Princess Di
1998 Richard Branson
1999 Ginger Spice
Zeppo Marx
Superfluous Presence Award
1988 Ian Rush
1992 Ross Perot
1993 Margaret Beckett
1994 Margaret Beckett
1995 John Lennon
1996 Ross Perot
1997 Princess Di's
bodyguard
1998 William Hague
1999 Harry
Enfield
Joanne Whalley
Top
(thinking man's) Crumpet
1986 Joanne Whalley
1988 Barbara Flynn
1992 Sharon Stone
1993 Louise Lombard (House of Elliott) (Kevin's choice)
Marge Simpson (John's choice)
1994 Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Troy ST:tNG) Elizabeth
Hurley
1995 Gillian Anderson (Kevin's choice) Sara Gilbert
(John's choice)
1996 Jennifer Aniston (Kevin) Cameron Diaz (John)
1997 Alicia Silverstone
1998 Sara Cox & Helen Baxendale (Kevin),
Louise Redknapp (John)
1999 Shania Twain
(Yes, I know you'd like
us to put pictures of these on the web page but then the
page would take ages to load. With the exception of
Barbara Flynn (Beiderbeck Tapes, A Very Peculiar
Practice), Louise Lombard and maybe Sara Gilbert (Darlene
in Roseanne) they are out there on the web; find 'em
yourself)
Linda Lovelace "Going
down, going down, going down" CD of Football Chants
1998 Charlton Athletic,
Southampton, Nottingham Forest (two out of three)
1999 Sheffield
Wednesday, Bradford City, Watford
Terry Wogan Camera Shy
1992 Tony Slattery
1993 Angus Deayton
1994 Steve Coogan
1995 Anthea Turner
1996 Ulrika Johnson
1997 Carol Vorderman
1998 Carol Vorderman
1999 Gail Porter
The
"Here Today, Not Gone Tomorrow" Award to
General Pinochet
The Spiderman "I'm back and this time
I'm stronger than ever" award to
1998 Saddam Hussein
1999 Michael
Portillo
Jesus Christ
Crucifixion Kit
1998 Ron Davies
1999 Jeffrey Archer
Sunk Without Trace
1988 John Smith's
leadership ambitions (heart attack)
1993 Michael Heseltine's leadership ambitions (heart
attack)
1994 John Smith's Premiership ambitions (heart attack)
1995 Margaret Beckett
1996 The Ford Probe (again) Rob Newman
1997 Scottish Tory
Party, Norman Lamont, various Tory leadership ambitions
1998 Jubilee Line
1999 Rover 75
The "Even
if it isn't true I could believe it" award
1993 Michael Portillo (allegedly
gay)
Michael Jackson (alleged child abuse)
1994 Dame Shirley Porter (allegedly [?] buying votes with
houses)
1995 Mrs Thatcher's gone totally ga-ga (and had a stroke)
1996 BSE cover up by MAFF
1997 Princess Di
was "taken out"
1998 Peter Mandelson allegedly gay*
1999 William Hague is allegedly gay
(I assume all Conservatives are gay
unless there is clear evidence to the contrary)
* (See 1997's Bender of the Year
award)
The "Even
if it is true I can't believe it" award
1993 The end of the
recession
1994 Michael Jackson's marriage
1995 Mike Atherton batting ten hours to save a test.
1996 Eurotunnel is safe and Michael Jackson getting his
wife pregnant
1997 The Millennium
Dome will make money
1998 George Graham manager of Spurs
1999 Kevin Keegan thinks England can win Euro 2000
The Andropov
most likely to drop off list for 2000
Queen Mother, Ronald Reagan, Eric
Sykes, Bob Hope, Ian Paisley (if we all pray hard
enough), Denis Thatcher, Sir John Geilgud, Michael Foot,
Jim Callaghan, Gerald Ford (ex US President), Boris
Yeltsin, Spike Milligan, The Pope, Barbara Cartland,
Donald Bradman, Alex Higgins, David Tomlinson, Les Paul,
Olivia de Havilland, Tommy Docherty, Dudley Moore
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