TTYF! SICK(ISH) REVIEW OF
THE YEAR 1998
Written mostly by
Kevin Warne (KNW) with some less funny bits from John Harrington (JH)
The main lesson from history, someone once said, is those who win get to
write it. Maybe, but when it gets written seems pretty important too.
I started this review in early December as part of the annual attempt to
finish the usual festive pre-activities early. At that time, like the other reviews
compiled then, 1998 was to be the nearly year. We nearly had a Gulf conflict in November,
we nearly saw Clinton impeached in the summer, England nearly won a test match of
importance and we nearly had resignations from the Cabinet.
Three weeks later, between Christmas and New Year, I tried again. By
then the skies of Baghdad had been lit up like the 4th of July, Clinton was
heading towards impeachment
("head" being the operative word), England had won a Test Match and Cabinet
Ministers were dropping like flies (unlike in America, where they were dropping their
flies).
My final draft, due to technical difficulties has been delayed until
mid-January 1999 by which time who cares what happened last year? The impeachment of
Clinton drags on, the Cabinet resignations of Davies, Mandelson and Robinson have been
eclipsed by the far more pressing political problem of getting help to the 966 people who
said in a Sun poll they would sleep with Robin Cook, and England, having lost the Ashes,
are playing out the tour in the pyjama games.
Not a classic year
1998 was not one of the classic years but as I shall suggest later
followed the pattern of setting the tone for the following year. We prepared for the Euro
and the Millennium Dome stayed on
course as the biggest celebration turkey of the century. The Egyptians built the pyramids
to last thousands of years, the Druids built Stonehenge to survive as long, the Brits, who
less than a hundred years ago controlled the greatest ever empire, opt for an oversized
tent with a life expectancy of less than twenty five years sited in the only part of
London still devoid of reasonable transport links. Still Wembley Stadium was meant to be a
temporary structure and they are only just getting round to demolishing it 75 years later.
Someone suggested that the destruction of the twin towers could be achieved more cheaply
by the simple expedient of reviving the annual England versus Scotland match, but surely
even England’s maniac supporters wouldn’t trash their own home?
The main theme of the year appeared to be of chickens coming home to
roost for past misdemeanours. In the States Republican politicians attempted to nail Bill
Clinton on the two most serious charges they could imagine: preventing a Republican from
being in the White House and, even worse, being a pretty good Democrat president.
Bill, Monica and George Michael redefined sex. George Michael was
apparently having sex with himself in a public place but Bill wasn’t having sexual
relations with Monica. I’m pretty pissed off with Bill on this count, I’d always
thought my track record on sex in the front of the car had been pretty respectable until
he suggested otherwise, the bastard. Will Gillian Taylforth appeal?
 Gillian Taylforth
George Michael, meanwhile, taught the spin doctors a thing or two by
appearing on Parkinson after the infamous toilet incident and emerging from the interview
as some kind of national hero. Little wonder that having shown such composure he has
sacked his agent and pronounced that in future he will be handling himself ….
Over here icons fell like spring rain. Geoffrey Boycott found hitting
the mistress for six didn’t go down quite as well as some of his other great knocks.
Will Carling raised bad timing to a new level by walking out on the mother of his child
just before his final payday tour. Gary Glitter introduced the potential of the Internet
to the older generation of child perverts.
There were some events of note, the Embassy bombings in Nairobi produced
some of the most gruesome scenes of carnage seen in a long time matched in awfulness only
by England’s performance in the World Cup. Glenn Hoddle’s attitude and
performance made some ask if he and Graham Taylor had ever been seen together in the same
place. Fortunately his involvement in the fiasco which saw us fall at the same hurdle as
Nigeria and Paraguay was eclipsed by Mr. Smug, David Beckham. Never mind he kept us in
jokes for weeks.
Smugham
featured in one of the more interesting adverts of the year – a poster from Adidas on the
day of the England v Argentina match. "The outcome of tonight’s match could be
decided by just one kick". How prescient of them.
The best advert though was surely the Sweeney spoof.
"Market!"
"Stop shouting guv,"
"I CAN’T!"
"You left the door open guv."
"Shut it!"
OK, now own up, who can’t remember what product the ad was
promoting?
The stiffs
It wasn’t all doom and gloom, after enduring both for nearly half a
century we definitely won’t suffer another Frank Sinatra farewell tour and, with any
luck, Julie Andrews won’t sing again either. Titanic against all expectations went
down a storm.
It was a goodish year for stiffs. After Di the previous year a goodly
number of middle ranking notables faded from the scene in this one.
Apart from Frank Sinatra, Tammy Wynette got to stand by the man, Linda
McCartney got her wings, Carl Wilson (Beach Boys) traded in the lurid shirt (leaving drug
crazed loonie Brian Wilson as the unlikely winner of the Wilson family Death Sweepstake
– Dennis Wilson having drowned years ago), Cozy Powell became another victim of a
hard rock and roll lifestyle (dying in the same year as his dad, Enoch) and Judge Dread penned his last smutty song
(probably years ago).
Grade B musos to go the remainders bin included Wendy O. Williams
(Plasmatics), who committed suicide; Robert Pilatus of Milli Vanilli (not sure what
he’s doing here under muso); Rozz Williams of Christian Death (committed suicide
– who says Americans don’t understand irony?); Falco (Rock Me Amadeus fame
– car crash); Carl Perkins, wrote and recorded "Blue Suede Shoes", died of
a stroke;
Films and TV saw the apes lose Maureen O’Sullivan (Tarzan) and
Roddy Macdowall (Planet of the Apes) and the singing cowboys Roy Rogers and Gene Autry
(who composed "Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer" – not a lot of people know
that). Real trivia nerds might like to note that Robert "Tex" Allen also died in
1998. He used to be Columbia’s top cowboy star but when Gene Autry, the singing
cowboy, became popular old Tex was dumped because he could not sing or play guitar; he was
replaced by Roy Rogers.
 Gene Autry
Eva Bartok (The Crimson Pirate, Operation Amsterdam and general
all-round crackpot) gave the obit columns a chance to dredge out some old glamour photos,
as did the death of John Derek (husband of Bo), Lloyd Bridges, star of countless films
noir – not forgetting the Airplane movies – picked the wrong year to give up
living. He was blacklisted from Hollywood in the forties for being more left wing than
Attila the Hun but resurrected his career to the extent that he almost appeared in more
films than his two sons, Jeff and Beau, put together.
The sleuths lost Jack Lord, Steve Garrett in Hawaii-Five-O, dying at 77
making him mid to late forties when he did his series and Joan Hickson, Miss Marple, at 92
making her late eighties when she did hers. Johnny Speight left us Alf, Dermott Morgan
left us Father Ted, John Wells left us Denis Thatcher, Frank Muir left us without a bow
tie representative, Shari Lewis left us Lamb Chop and a polystyrene wig, Robert Young
(Marcus Welby) left us sorry for TV re-runs and Sonny Bono left us Cher, the bastard.
Anyone remember Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In? Flip Wilson,
who occasionally appeared on it, snuffed it and so, curiously, did fellow American
comedian, Henny Youngman, who not only appeared on the show but who featured as a
catch-phrase which mainly consisted of quizzical guests saying straight to camera:
"Oh, that Henny Youngman?" London born Henny it was who first said,
"take my wife … please!" He also said that in his will he’d be leaving
his body to Julia Roberts … but if she couldn’t wait, she could have it now.
Sir Lew Grade, reigning charleston world champion, showed poor timing,
dying at Christmas when he should have died on the eve of the release of Titanic. After
all, this was the man whose film empire was sunk by the abysmal Raise The Titanic –
a film which prompted the comment that it would have been cheaper to have lowered the
Atlantic.
Japanese film legend Akira Kurosawa died of a stroke. Truly a colossus
of the film industry. He received a lifetime achievement Oscar in 1990 so he did well to
survive a good 7 years beyond the date Hollywood had anticipated he would die.
 Phil Hartman
Simpsons fans were upset to hear of the death of Phil Hartman, the voice
of Troy McClure and many other bit-part characters. He was shot by his wife, who later
killed their children before committing suicide. What’s that all about? Why kill the
children? Could drugs have been involved or just good old fashioned insanity?
Mae Questel, the voice of Betty Boop and Olive Oyl, squealed her last.
Moving from cartoons to comics, Bob Kane, creator of the Batman, went to
that great bat-signal in the sky.
In business and politics the mavericks Enoch Powell, Nicholas Budgen,
Pol Pot, Tiny Rowland and Sir Ian McGregor (former coal chief) departed along with the
mainstream members like Lord Sainsbury, Lord Rothermere (Daily Mail), Dick McDonald
(crimes against clowns and beef) and Ferdinand Porsche the world famous tank designer. The
European newspaper did not last long enough to see the introduction of the euro
So, there we have it 1998, not one of the great years of the century but
I have a theory that the "eight" years are the scene setters for the more
memorable nines. With some duff doubles like 1908/09 apart and 1918/19 being the exception
when Germany ended it’s first attempt at world domination the eights have laid the
groundwork for the nines.
In 1928 we had the economic decline which lead to the crash of 29, in 38
Chamberlain went to Munich for Hitler to start the second German attempt a year later. 68
saw the Apollo missions which put man on the moon in 69, 78 saw the winter of discontent
allowing Mrs. Thatcher to win in 79, 88 saw the collapse of eastern Europe which allowed
the fall of the Berlin Wall in 89. 98 saw the preparation for the introduction of the Euro
at the beginning of 99 allowing the Germans to get a third crack at world domination in
under the wire before the end of the century. Will the Russians halt them outside Moscow
again or simply complete the ring road linking with the autobahn to Berlin. I wonder? |
