TTYF! SICK(ISH) REVIEW OF THE YEAR 1998
Written mostly by Kevin Warne (KNW)
with some less funny bits from John Harrington (JH)
The main lesson from history, someone
once said, is those who win get to write it. Maybe, but
when it gets written seems pretty important too.
I started this review in early December
as part of the annual attempt to finish the usual festive
pre-activities early. At that time, like the other
reviews compiled then, 1998 was to be the nearly year. We
nearly had a Gulf conflict in November, we nearly saw
Clinton impeached in the summer, England nearly won a
test match of importance and we nearly had resignations
from the Cabinet.
Three weeks later, between Christmas
and New Year, I tried again. By then the skies of Baghdad
had been lit up like the 4th of July, Clinton
was heading towards impeachment
("head" being the operative word), England had
won a Test Match and Cabinet Ministers were dropping like
flies (unlike in America, where they were dropping their
flies).
My final draft, due to technical
difficulties has been delayed until mid-January 1999 by
which time who cares what happened last year? The
impeachment of Clinton drags on, the Cabinet resignations
of Davies, Mandelson and Robinson have been eclipsed by
the far more pressing political problem of getting help
to the 966 people who said in a Sun poll they would sleep
with Robin Cook, and England, having lost the Ashes, are
playing out the tour in the pyjama games.
Not a classic year
1998 was not one of the classic years
but as I shall suggest later followed the pattern of
setting the tone for the following year. We prepared for
the Euro and the Millennium
Dome stayed on course as the biggest celebration
turkey of the century. The Egyptians built the pyramids
to last thousands of years, the Druids built Stonehenge
to survive as long, the Brits, who less than a hundred
years ago controlled the greatest ever empire, opt for an
oversized tent with a life expectancy of less than twenty
five years sited in the only part of London still devoid
of reasonable transport links. Still Wembley Stadium was
meant to be a temporary structure and they are only just
getting round to demolishing it 75 years later. Someone
suggested that the destruction of the twin towers could
be achieved more cheaply by the simple expedient of
reviving the annual England versus Scotland match, but
surely even England’s maniac supporters
wouldn’t trash their own home?
The main theme of the year appeared to
be of chickens coming home to roost for past
misdemeanours. In the States Republican politicians
attempted to nail Bill Clinton on the two most serious
charges they could imagine: preventing a Republican from
being in the White House and, even worse, being a pretty
good Democrat president.
Bill, Monica and George Michael
redefined sex. George Michael was apparently having sex
with himself in a public place but Bill wasn’t
having sexual relations with Monica. I’m pretty
pissed off with Bill on this count, I’d always
thought my track record on sex in the front of the car
had been pretty respectable until he suggested otherwise,
the bastard. Will Gillian Taylforth appeal?
 Gillian Taylforth
George Michael, meanwhile, taught the
spin doctors a thing or two by appearing on Parkinson
after the infamous toilet incident and emerging from the
interview as some kind of national hero. Little wonder
that having shown such composure he has sacked his agent
and pronounced that in future he will be handling himself
….
Over here icons fell like spring rain.
Geoffrey Boycott found hitting the mistress for six
didn’t go down quite as well as some of his other
great knocks. Will Carling raised bad timing to a new
level by walking out on the mother of his child just
before his final payday tour. Gary Glitter introduced the
potential of the Internet to the older generation of
child perverts.
There were some events of note, the
Embassy bombings in Nairobi produced some of the most
gruesome scenes of carnage seen in a long time matched in
awfulness only by England’s performance in the World
Cup. Glenn Hoddle’s attitude and performance made
some ask if he and Graham Taylor had ever been seen
together in the same place. Fortunately his involvement
in the fiasco which saw us fall at the same hurdle as
Nigeria and Paraguay was eclipsed by Mr. Smug, David
Beckham. Never mind he kept us in jokes for weeks.
Smugham
featured in one of the more interesting adverts of the
year – a poster from Adidas
on the day of the England v Argentina match. "The
outcome of tonight’s match could be decided by just
one kick". How prescient of them.
The best advert though was surely the
Sweeney spoof.
"Market!"
"Stop shouting guv,"
"I CAN’T!"
"You left the door open
guv."
"Shut it!"
OK, now own up, who can’t remember
what product the ad was promoting?
The stiffs
It wasn’t all doom and gloom,
after enduring both for nearly half a century we
definitely won’t suffer another Frank Sinatra
farewell tour and, with any luck, Julie Andrews
won’t sing again either. Titanic against all
expectations went down a storm.
It was a goodish year for stiffs. After
Di the previous year a goodly number of middle ranking
notables faded from the scene in this one.
Apart from Frank Sinatra, Tammy Wynette
got to stand by the man, Linda McCartney got her wings,
Carl Wilson (Beach Boys) traded in the lurid shirt
(leaving drug crazed loonie Brian Wilson as the unlikely
winner of the Wilson family Death Sweepstake –
Dennis Wilson having drowned years ago), Cozy Powell
became another victim of a hard rock and roll lifestyle
(dying in the same year as his dad, Enoch) and Judge Dread
penned his last smutty song (probably years ago).
Grade B musos to go the remainders bin
included Wendy O. Williams (Plasmatics), who committed
suicide; Robert Pilatus of Milli Vanilli (not sure what
he’s doing here under muso); Rozz Williams of
Christian Death (committed suicide – who says
Americans don’t understand irony?); Falco (Rock Me
Amadeus fame – car crash); Carl Perkins, wrote and
recorded "Blue Suede Shoes", died of a stroke;
Films and TV saw the apes lose Maureen
O’Sullivan (Tarzan) and Roddy Macdowall (Planet of
the Apes) and the singing cowboys Roy Rogers and Gene
Autry (who composed "Rudolf the Red Nosed
Reindeer" – not a lot of people know that).
Real trivia nerds might like to note that Robert
"Tex" Allen also died in 1998. He used to be
Columbia’s top cowboy star but when Gene Autry, the
singing cowboy, became popular old Tex was dumped because
he could not sing or play guitar; he was replaced by Roy
Rogers.
 Gene
Autry
Eva Bartok (The Crimson Pirate,
Operation Amsterdam and general all-round crackpot)
gave the obit columns a chance to dredge out some old
glamour photos, as did the death of John Derek (husband
of Bo), Lloyd Bridges, star of countless films noir
– not forgetting the Airplane movies – picked
the wrong year to give up living. He was blacklisted from
Hollywood in the forties for being more left wing than
Attila the Hun but resurrected his career to the extent
that he almost appeared in more films than his two sons,
Jeff and Beau, put together.
The sleuths lost Jack Lord, Steve
Garrett in Hawaii-Five-O, dying at 77 making him mid to
late forties when he did his series and Joan Hickson,
Miss Marple, at 92 making her late eighties when she did
hers. Johnny Speight left us Alf, Dermott Morgan left us
Father Ted, John Wells left us Denis Thatcher, Frank Muir
left us without a bow tie representative, Shari Lewis
left us Lamb Chop and a polystyrene wig, Robert Young
(Marcus Welby) left us sorry for TV re-runs and Sonny
Bono left us Cher, the bastard.
Anyone remember Rowan &
Martin’s Laugh-In? Flip Wilson, who occasionally
appeared on it, snuffed it and so, curiously, did fellow
American comedian, Henny Youngman, who not only appeared
on the show but who featured as a catch-phrase which
mainly consisted of quizzical guests saying straight to
camera: "Oh, that Henny Youngman?"
London born Henny it was who first said, "take my
wife … please!" He also said that in his will
he’d be leaving his body to Julia Roberts … but
if she couldn’t wait, she could have it now.
Sir Lew Grade, reigning charleston
world champion, showed poor timing, dying at Christmas
when he should have died on the eve of the release of Titanic.
After all, this was the man whose film empire was
sunk by the abysmal Raise The Titanic – a
film which prompted the comment that it would have been
cheaper to have lowered the Atlantic.
Japanese film legend Akira Kurosawa
died of a stroke. Truly a colossus of the film industry.
He received a lifetime achievement Oscar in 1990 so he
did well to survive a good 7 years beyond the date
Hollywood had anticipated he would die.
 Phil Hartman
Simpsons fans were upset to hear of the
death of Phil Hartman, the voice of Troy McClure and many
other bit-part characters. He was shot by his wife, who
later killed their children before committing suicide.
What’s that all about? Why kill the children? Could
drugs have been involved or just good old fashioned
insanity?
Mae Questel, the voice of Betty Boop
and Olive Oyl, squealed her last.
Moving from cartoons to comics, Bob
Kane, creator of the Batman, went to that great
bat-signal in the sky.
In business and politics the mavericks
Enoch Powell, Nicholas Budgen, Pol Pot, Tiny Rowland and
Sir Ian McGregor (former coal chief) departed along with
the mainstream members like Lord Sainsbury, Lord
Rothermere (Daily Mail), Dick McDonald (crimes against
clowns and beef) and Ferdinand Porsche the world famous
tank designer. The European newspaper did not last
long enough to see the introduction of the euro
So, there we have it 1998, not one of
the great years of the century but I have a theory that
the "eight" years are the scene setters for the
more memorable nines. With some duff doubles like 1908/09
apart and 1918/19 being the exception when Germany ended
it’s first attempt at world domination the eights
have laid the groundwork for the nines.
In 1928 we had the economic decline
which lead to the crash of 29, in 38 Chamberlain went to
Munich for Hitler to start the second German attempt a
year later. 68 saw the Apollo missions which put man on
the moon in 69, 78 saw the winter of discontent allowing
Mrs. Thatcher to win in 79, 88 saw the collapse of
eastern Europe which allowed the fall of the Berlin Wall
in 89. 98 saw the preparation for the introduction of the
Euro at the beginning of 99 allowing the Germans to get a
third crack at world domination in under the wire before
the end of the century. Will the Russians halt them
outside Moscow again or simply complete the ring road
linking with the autobahn to Berlin. I wonder?
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