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Andropov "Most Likely to Drop Off" list

Back from the Dead

Biggest Bang

Dewhurst Butchers

Dewhurst Turkey

Emperor Hirohito's Award for British Industry

Even if it's true I can't believe it ....

Even if it isn't true, I could believe it ...

Graham Taylor's "Nowhere Near Good Enough for the Job"

Harold Wilson "Quit while you are ahead" pipe

Here today, going down tomorrow

"I Can Handle Drink" Tankard

"I Can Handle Drugs" Syringe

Jesus Crucifixion Kit

Joanne Whalley "Top Thinking Man's Crumpet"

John Major Cardigan for people not quite up to the mark

Karen Carpenter's Slimmer of the Year

Kenneth Baker Brylcreem Bottle

Mass Dead Award

Michael "Shoot your own" Foot

Michael Jackson Baby-sitter of the Year

Mike Gatting "One law for one" family sized nan

Most Offensive Away Kit

Mrs. Thatcher's Businessman of the Year

Porky Pig's Snout in the Trough

Richard Branson "X for no publicity"

Spiderman "This time I'm back, and stronger than ever" cliche

Stiff of the Year

Stiffed of the Year

Sunk Without Trace

Terry Wogan Camera Shy

Uri Geller Bender of the Year

Warren Beatty Trampoline Artist

Zeppo Mark Superfluous Presence

The 1998 Sick(ish) Review

Fiendish Words - editorial content


And so to the awards

As seems to be increasingly the case over the last few years we once again struggle in nominating a fresh face to the Top Thinking Man’s Crumpet award. The roll call seems to vary little over the years, Gillian Anderson (1995) and Cameron Diaz (1996) have already been mentioned as have Pfeiffer, Teri Hatcher and Meg Ryan frequently in the past. I must admit this year it's a struggle. Times are hard - or not as the case may be.


Stiff of the Year

1983 Cecil Parkinson
1988 The Yuppie
1992 David Mellor
1993 Eldorado
1994 John Smith
1995 Yitshak Rabin
1996 English Cricket

1997 Princess Di

Stiffed of the Year
1995 Nick Leeson
1996 The Sun for the "Di" video

1997 John Major

Biggest Bang

1984 Grand Hotel Brighton
1988 Lockerbie
1992 St Mary Axe (London)
1993 NatWest Tower (London)
1995 Oklahoma City
1996 Dunblane

1997 Thrust 2

I Can Handle Drugs Certificate

1985 Phil Lynott
1988 Ben Johnson
1992 Jason Livingstone
1993 River Phoenix
1994 Paul Merson
1995 Leah Betts
1996 Sir Colin Corness Glaxo chairman (1.407m )

1997 Michael Hutchence

I Can Handle Drink Tankard

1996 Tony Adams
1997 Princess Di's Chauffeur

Warren Beatty Trampoline Artist

1983 Cecil Parkinson
1989 Pamella Bordes
1992 David Mellor
1993 Tim Yeo
1994 Lady Bienvenida Buck
1995 Princess Di
1996 Ulrika Johnson
1997 Ulrika Johnson

1998 Anthea Turner

Dewhurst Turkey

1996 Atlanta Games
1997 Millennium Dome*

*This to win the award on a rollover basis until at least the year 2003

Dewhurst Butchers Of The Year

The Algerians

Uri Geller Bender Of The Year

1983 Peter Tatchell
1988 Russell Harty
1992 Justin Fashanu
1993 Michael Portillo
1994 Richard Gere
1995 Michael Barrymore
1996 Dale Winton

1997 Peter Mandelson
(we were well ahead of Mathew Parris on this one!)

Mike Gatting "One Law For One"
1988 Spurs (League fine)
1992 Mike Gatting
1993 Roger Levett
1994 Spurs (League fine)
1995 Cedric Brown (Pay Rise)
1996 The Maxwell Brothers

1997 Jack Straw

Karen Carpenter Slimmer Of The Year

1983 Lena Zavaroni
1988 Hirohito
1992 British Aerospace
1993 Princess Di
1994 British Coal
1995 British Gas Staff Pay Packets
1996 British Beef Industry

1997 Conservative Party

Richard Branson's "X" For No Publicity

1988 Linford Christie
1992 Fergie
1993 Princess Diana
1994 Prince Charles
1995 Richard Branson
1996 Fergie again

1997 Princess Di

Zeppo Marx Superfluous Presence Award

1988 Ian Rush
1992 Ross Perot
1993 Margaret Beckett
1994 Margaret Beckett
1995 John Lennon
1996 Ross Perot

1997 Princess Di's bodyguard

Joanne Whalley
Top (thinking man's) Crumpet

1986 Joanne Whalley
1988 Barbara Flynn
1992 Sharon Stone
1993 Louise Lombard (House of Elliott) (Kevin's choice) Marge Simpson (John's choice)
1994 Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Troy ST:tNG) Elizabeth Hurley
1995 Gillian Anderson (Kevin's choice) Sara Gilbert (John's choice)
1996 Jennifer Aniston (Kevin) Cameron Diaz (John)

1997 Alicia Silverstone

(Yes, I know you'd like us to put pictures of these on the web page but then the page would take ages to load. With the exception of Barbara Flynn (Beiderbeck Tapes, A Very Peculiar Practice), Louise Lombard and maybe Sara Gilbert (Darlene in Roseanne) they are out there on the web; find 'em yourself)

Terry Wogan Camera Shy

1992 Tony Slattery
1993 Angus Deayton
1994 Steve Coogan
1995 Anthea Turner
1996 Ulrika Johnson

1997 Carol Vorderman

The Mrs Thatcher "Thanks awfully for boycotting the Moscow Olympics to get us re-elected but that was sixteen years ago " plastic mug has been replaced by the Tony Blair "Thanks awfully for voting us in but that was seven months ago" plastic rose and in keeping with this new governments desire to create more winners is won this year by

the miners, single parents, the disabled, pensioners and students*

* The rest of the population get to win it next year

The "Here Today, Going Down (nudge, nudge) Tomorrow" Award to

The Spice Girls

Mass Dead Award (and unfortunate timing of ad campaign) to

Egyptian Tourist Board

Emperor Hirohito's Award for British Industry and safe sex Kleenex to The Koreans (pulling out everywhere)

Porky Pig’s "ber-ber-ber-that's NOT all folks" Snout in the Trough

City dealers back on form

Most Offensive Away Kit

Newcastle United

The Spiderman "I'm back and this time I'm stronger than ever" award to

Allan Clark, Cecil Parkinson

10th Jesus Christ Crucifixion Kit

Neil Hamilton

Harold Wilson "Quit while you're ahead" pipe to

1996 Several dozen Conservative MPs "not standing" at the next election
1997 Eric Cantona

Sunk Without Trace

1988 John Smith's leadership ambitions (heart attack)
1993 Michael Heseltine's leadership ambitions (heart attack)
1994 John Smith's Premiership ambitions (heart attack)
1995 Margaret Beckett
1996 The Ford Probe (again) Rob Newman

1997 Scottish Tory Party, Norman Lamont, various Tory leadership ambitions

Kenneth Baker Brylcreem bottle for being Unspeakably Smug

David Beckham

The "Even if it isn't true I could believe it" award

1993 Michael Portillo (allegedly gay)
Michael Jackson (alleged child abuse)
1994 Dame Shirley Porter (allegedly [?] buying votes with houses)
1995 Mrs Thatcher's gone totally ga-ga (and had a stroke)
1996 BSE cover up by MAFF

1997 Princess Di was "taken out"

The "Even if it is true I can't believe it" award

1993 The end of the recession
1994 Michael Jackson's marriage
1995 Mike Atherton batting ten hours to save a test.
1996 Eurotunnel is safe and Michael Jackson getting his wife pregnant

1997 The Millennium Dome will make money

Back From The Dead Award

That guy in/under the yacht

The John Major "not quite up to the mark" award has been won by William Hague

a vacated position due to the Graham Taylor "nowhere near good enough for the job" award going to Harriet Harman

who only just fails to win the Michael Foot greatest political disaster of the year award courtesy of the Conservative performance on May 1st

Mrs Thatcher's Businessman of the Year Award has been renamed the Tony Blair Businessmen of the Year Award and the winner is Bernie Ecclestone

Michael Jackson Baby-sitter of the Year award to Gary Glitter

The Andropov most likely to drop off list for 1998

Carried over from 1996/7

Queen Mother, Ronald Reagan, Eric Sykes, Sir Alf Ramsey, Bob Hope, Frank Sinatra, Enoch Powell, Ian Paisley, Denis Thatcher, Sir John Geilgud, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, Gerald Ford, Ian McGregor (that yank who crucified the miners), Boris Yeltsin, Spike Milligan, The Pope, Barbara Cartland, Billy Idol, Tommy Lee Jones

plus new for 97/98

Donald Bradman, Alex Higgins


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